Change afoot

olive et gourmande, Montreal (last week)

olive et gourmande, Montreal (last week)

The blogging rhythm broken, giving me a bewildered sense of loss… I really am not overstating. It’s been months of trying to figure out what’s up. First it was the crashing, frustrating, newly installed PSE11 (not anymore, thankfully). Then it was D.’s college applications (done!). And tours (done for now!) Attention to writing. Major decluttering. Runs to Salem. Montreal. Schenectady.

pink-woven-close

filled with lavender buds !

And, all the while, I am sewing. Not a little. A LOT… moving pieces of fabric around, and listening to myself think. I became, this fall, weirdly resistant to being influenced. Unable, suddenly and almost violently, to partake of community that had been a place of solace and learning.  I hated the isolation created by walking away, but somehow the need to preserve some quality of solitude kept winning out.

Yesterday, it occurred to me that the decluttering impulse, twinned with solitude, could very possibly be the soul at work — struggling to create the necessary conditions for integration… muscling things about so that I can make visual pieces more congruent with where I’m at, more expressive of what’s up, and with a lighter hand.  Dare I wish this be so?!

I don’t know yet, but all of a sudden, this excites me. I am prepared to be ruthless to make it so. To be ruthless, so that I can become lighter. This makes me laugh and I’ll take that as a good sign!

9 thoughts on “Change afoot

  1. Mo Crow

    God help us to change.
    To change ourselves and to change our world.
    To know the need for it. To deal with the pain of it.
    To feel the joy of it.
    To undertake the journey without understanding the destination.
    The art of gentle revolution.

    Amen

    from “When I Talk To You ( a cartoonist talks to God)” byMichael Leunig
    and recently rediscovered via the Michael Leunig Appreciation Page on Facebook
    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Michael-Leunig-Appreciation-Page/175074566012104
    (his wry wisdom has helped me deal with the world for 40 years!)

    Reply
  2. deedeemallon Post author

    Dear Mo – always there and with the best of comments! Thank you… and thank you for the link. I just spent some wonderful moments reading his angst and humor and supreme articulation of what’s wrong with our world/us. I’ll be back!

    Reply
  3. saskia

    your post is like the muddled thoughts in my head put in order, thanks for that Dee;
    decluttering, rethinking one’s way of life, seems to be happening to many people I know, wanting to rid oneself of weight (physical and mental), time is limited and I just want to do certain things and therefore I don’t need things (probably never did, but hey these realisations come in phases)
    maybe the crisis helps us refocus, maybe it’s middle-age…anyway, bravo to you and all of us for doing what it is we need and want to do!

    Reply
  4. Sandi

    Dee, seems there are many of us in this state. There has been a lot of ”soul searching” over here and what I keep coming back to is that all the time spending trying to figure it all out, is time taken away from enjoying each and every moment. I am learning to be more present and come from a heartfelt place and letting go of all those expectations of past. Cleaning/decluttering/clearing of much that no longer serves me. Quite a lot actually, but it’s all good. Blessings to you and know you are never alone! HUGS, Sandi

    Reply
  5. deedeemallon Post author

    Hi Saskia – I do think the paring-down-impulse comes with middle age. In fact, I’ve been saying for years that ‘one of the great pleasures of middle age is throwing shit out’!! If all the things I don’t need get in the way of doing what I want (as you suggest), how can I justify keeping them?!

    Reply
  6. deedeemallon Post author

    Well, Sandi, having just moved you have been in this inspection/discernment of need of things big time, haven’t you? Thank you for the encouraging words. And the reminder that being too mental about anything can get in the way of enjoying the moment…

    Reply
  7. Clare w

    I’ve loved reading your blog and this post is particularly resonating with me at the moment. Perhaps it’s part of the winter hibernation which results in a new growth if we take heed. There is a pain associated with the passing of former attachments but it is transitory x

    Reply

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